Letters to Thranduil
by the Random Oliphaunt
Summary: COMPLETE Letter correspondence between Elrond and Thranduil, mostly concerning a certain Elf and Ranger.
1. Of Evil Slavers and Mutant Potatoes

Dear Thranduil  
I am writing with regret to inform you that your son, Legolas, has been injured during his stay in Rivendell. He and Aragorn were having an afternoon of innocent fun terrorising Lindir when suddenly they were both carried off by Evil Slavers. Luckily, Elladan and Elrohir were able to catch up with the Evil Slavers and free Aragorn and Legolas.  
By the way, you owe me twenty dollars for your son.  
Seeing as they both seemed to be unharmed by this event, I then sent them to work in the kitchens as punishment. Sadly, after less than ten minutes they ran out, screaming and being chased by what looked like a horde of angry mutant potatoes. While escaping from said potatoes, they fell into a waterfall, and we were unable to find them for some days.  
Eventually, they washed up in a small river and made their way back to Rivendell, looking much the worse for wear as they had been ravaged by bears on the way. I immediately took them to the healing ward and tended to their injuries, but Aragorn is still unconscious. Legolas however is awake and very bored, and sends his regards.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Peredhril

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
I am saddened to hear that my son was injured, but glad that he is recovering. If he is still bored, I would suggest giving him a spoon to play with - they can provide hours of fun for him. On a rather more pressing note, I ask that you send him home as soon as he has recovered enough to help with the spider infestation - Mirkwood is becoming rather overrun with the creatures. In fact, a very large spiderrraaaaaaarrrrgh__

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
Although somewhat disturbed by your last letter, I am sending Legolas back home to you today. Aragorn is going with him to act as a guide - frankly I am amazed at the pace at which they heal. I should expect them to arrive within a month or so, unless the Evil Slavers capture them again.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

**Sooo what did you think? This is just something random I came up with - should I continue with it or not? Rainbow cybercupcakes to all who review!**


	2. Of Lute PLayers and Giant Slayers

**I realised I never did a disclaimer for the last chapter. Oops. Anyway, I don't own Lord of the Rings.**

**And to all reviewers, thank you, and here are your cybercupcakes as promised! They also come with free ice cream. *Legolas runs in, steals ice cream scoop and runs off* uh, never mind... Yes Legolas has a spoon obsession. And no, I did not kill Thranduil. I have plans for him. Evil plans involving Vogons...**

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
__What gives, man? It's been nearly six months since you sent that letter, and my son is yet to make an appearance. I had to hire outside help to get rid of the spiders - a nice human lad named Jack. He was a very efficient worker, although there seemed to have been some mix-up when I first contacted him; apparently he specialises in killing _giants_, not _giant spiders_. __Cordially,  
__Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
Yeah, about that. Around three months after I sent Aragorn and Legolas back to your kingdom, they returned, badly wounded and with quite a tale to tell. Apparently they were first trapped by an AVALANCHE, and when they managed to escape, they were kidnapped by an EVIL ELF who tortured them for information - although I am still not entirely sure what information it was they wanted. When the two of them finally staggered back into Rivendell, Aragorn had caught pneumonia and Legolas had somehow been poisoned by Nasty Men. They are both currently recuperating in the healing ward, and I shall send Legolas back home as soon as he is well.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Ruler of all Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
I bring sad news. While your adopted son was here, he volunteered to go help Gandalf find the vile creature Gollum, and is yet to return. On another note, what on arda did you do to my son in Rivendell? Whenever he sees a lute player he has taken to grabbing the lute, hitting the musician over the head with it until it breaks, and then stealing their hairbrush and running off, cackling evilly. I am becoming most concerned.  
Cordially,  
King Thranduil of Mirkwood the Great_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
My foster son has always been rather rash at decision-making. With any luck, he will catch Gollum soon.  
The behaviour Legolas is exhibiting with regards to your lute players is probably something he picked up from Aragorn. I have had several complaints about it from Lindir, who is threatening to leave Rivendell and become a pirate.  
Cordially,  
Elrond the Awesome, Lord of Imladris

* * *

**Reviewers for this chapter get ... hmmm... cookies! **

**Gollum: NOOO! Don't take our cookies! That would kill us! KILL US!**

**Fine. Reviewers get brownies. Happy now?**

**Gollum: Yes precious, we are.**


	3. Of Gollum and Ninja Elves

**I don't own LOTR.**

* * *

_Dear Elrond,_  
_Gollum has been successfully captured and brought to Mirkwood. Aragorn and Legolas have just left to return to Rivendell, so assuming they don't run into too much trouble I would expect them to arrive in three months or so. _  
_If Lindir is bent on leaving Rivendell, he would be welcome in Mirkwood. Three of my best lute players have had nervous breakdowns and left the forest in great haste, muttering something about rum._  
_Cordially,_  
_Thranduil the Awesomer, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
Ha ha, 'Awesomer' isn't a word. I win!  
A most surprising thing has happened. A month after receiving your last letter, Aragorn and Legolas returned to Rivendell - and they were _completely_ _uninjured_. I confess I was most shocked by this. Aragorn says that you must be careful to keep Gollum safely locked up as he is a trickster and not to be trusted.  
I told Lindir of your proposition, and he thanks you but says he has instead to decided to stay in Rivendell and take up karate.  
Cordially,  
Elrond, Bearer of Vilya and Lord of Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
Fine. You win this round... for now...  
I am glad that Aragorn and Legolas have finally managed to stay out trouble. Whilst in Mirkwood, Aragorn suffered from a poisonous spider bite. I am not entirely sure how this happened, as there are no poisonous spiders in Mirkwood.  
Tell Aragorn that he worries too much. Gollum is already showing signs of being a better person - he has developed a love of nature and enjoys taking long walks outside.  
Cordially,  
Thranduil, tamer of Moose, ruler of Mirkwood_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
I passed your message onto Aragorn, and have written down his response almost word for word. He said, "That's what YOU think! But you'll be sorry soon! They called me crazy, but they'll see! They'll all see!" He then ran off, cackling, and hid in Lindir's closet for the rest of the day. I am becoming rather concerned about him.  
Legolas seems to be enjoying his stay Rivendell, except for one incident when he and Aragorn were out hunting. Apparently, a pack of Wargs attacked them unawares, and they both sustained rather serious , Legolas is healing well, and will be returning home to you as soon as he can walk again.  
If you are still looking to hire a new minstrel, I have included a letter of recommendation for one.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

**Reviewers get... a hug from Legolas!**


	4. Of Spoon Thieves and Vogons

**I don't own LOTR, or the Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy.**

**I'll probably get quite a few chapters of this up today.**

* * *

_Dear Elrond,_  
_Please find enclosed with this letter the large supply of spoons that my son has stolen from your house. I honestly don't know what has come over him recently._  
_We have increased the security of Gollum's cell, but I am quite certain he will never escape. _  
_Oh, and after reading your letter, I have hired the minstrel you recommended. He refused to give his name, but says that he is a Vogon and applied for the post in order to have more of an opportunity to read his poetry aloud. _  
_Cordially,_  
_Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

_Dear Elrond,_  
_I hate you._  
_Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
I have no _idea_ what you meant by that last remark, but I am _certain_ it was not meant in seriousness, as that is the kind of thing that could lead to _wars_.  
Thank you for returning the spoons - I was wondering what had happened to them. Aragorn seems to be missing Legolas. Yesterday I witnessed him jump into a waterfall, only to pull himself out, dripping wet, wailing that "it just wasn't the same". Perhaps Legolas could come back and visit soon? The healers at Rivendell seem to miss him as well.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
Legolas has just departed for Rivendell. I believe he was missing Aragorn as well. And you know full well what I meant. I thought we were friends, man. Sending me a Vogon - do you know that their poetry is the _third worst_ in the universe? And I had to endure over an hour of the stuff, until Legolas provided a welcome distraction by falling out of a window.  
Cordially,  
Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_


	5. Disgruntled Chips and Escaped Prisoners

**I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon. Kudos to aitchtee for coming up with the 'disgruntled chips' idea.**

**And now, on with the insanity!**

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
I am _so sorry_ about the Vogon. I really had no idea. Why don't you send him to Celeborn, or something?  
Legolas is currently ill with food poisoning, and I can safely say that this time it was only through his own stupidity, and that neither Aragorn nor I had anything to do with it -in fact, we tried to stop him. 'Don't eat the mutant chips," we told him. "They look rather disgruntled," we told him. "Chips aren't meant to be that shade of green," we told him, but he just wouldn't listen.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
Really, you should have known better; you know full well that my son is allergic to mutant potatoes. I am beginning to think that perhaps he landed on his head when he fell out of that window.  
I think sending the Vogon to Celeborn is an excellent idea, and I shall do so at once.  
Cordially,  
Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
I am happy to say that Legolas is fully recovered, both from the food poisoning and the freak thunderstorm that seemed to centre solely on him and Aragorn. He is returning to Mirkwood alone this time, as Aragorn is suffering from a nasty stab wound inflicted on him by Evil Dwarves. Oh, and please don't mention my involvement with the Vogon incident to Celeborn - he might not take it very well.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
__Help! Gollum escaped! A giant spider ate my favourite crown! My moose twisted her ankle! Middle earth is doomed!__Forgive me; I should know better than to be drinking coffee whilst writing letters. But alas, the foul creature Gollum has indeed escaped, and I have sent Legolas to Rivendell to inform you of this.  
__As I write this letter, it occurs to me that it was somewhat unnecessary to do so.  
__In these dire times I feel that the fighting skills of every elf will be needed to defend their homeland, so I ask that you try to ensure that my son returns home in one piece. It would make a pleasant change.  
__Worriedly,  
__Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_


	6. Martin the Nazgul

**I don't own LOTR. And we're getting into the War of the Ring timeline now; should be interesting...**

* * *

**_Dear Elrond,  
I am writing to complain about your daughter, Arwen. My eight companions and I were out riding last night by the borders of Rivendell, when suddenly your daughter appeared and, by some dark elf-magic,caused the river to rise up and nearly drown us. I am very angry about this and am seriously considering suing you or your daughter. At the very least, I am going to be sending you the dry-cleaning bill.  
By the way, you do know that Arwen is still seeing Aragorn, even after you expressly forbid her to? The girl clearly has issues.  
Yours angrily,  
Martin the Nazgul_**

* * *

Dear Martin,  
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how to respond. As one of the Nazgul, you are a creature of darkness and evil, who should be killed on sight, if it were possible to kill you. On the other hand, my dear Arwen was certainly out of order, stealing Lord Glorfindel's horse as she did. I will most certainly send you the dry-cleaning money, if you will tell me where you and your brethren live.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Peredhril

* * *

**_Dear Elrond,  
Ha ha, nice try. I'm not going to tell _****you****_ where I live. You'd just send a crack team of SWAT elves after me. Just leave the money in a hollow tree near Angmar, and I might let the Ringbearer live...  
Yours evilly,  
Marvin the Nazgul_**

* * *

Dear Marvin,  
You're too late. The Ringbearer is safe in Rivendell. And whatever gave you the idea that I'd send a team of SWAT elves after you? The only elf in Rivendell with that kind of training is Lindir, and I believe he only knows the self-defence aspects of it.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Peredhril

* * *

**_Dear Elrond,  
I'm sorry about that last letter, it was written by my brother, Marvin, who has taken to stealing my mail. That letter was a perfect example of the kind of bad press that leads people to believe that the Nazgul are soulless, evil creatures with no distinct personalities or interests. For example, I myself am a professional jazz saxophone player, but will people come to my concerts? No, because I'm just some weirdo with a cape. But if a cute little hobbit comes along, all blue eyes and curly hair, and needs help destroying a ring, THEN everyone just falls over their own feet to help him! It's unfair, I tell you, it's unfair!  
_****_-Martin_**

* * *

Dear Martin,  
As much as I would like to be able to help you, I am right now rather busy organising a Council to discuss how best to dispose of the One Ring. I believe you know the current Ringbearer: A young hobbit named Frodo Baggins?  
Also, as an elf I am naturally prejudiced against saxophone players. Why don't you become a lawyer instead?  
Regretfully,  
Elrond Peredhril

* * *

**Martin the Nazgul's back! Remember him?**


	7. Fellowships and Legal Battles

**I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon.**

**I think this is the most chapters I've ever posted in one day; I have WAY too much time on my hands...**

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
Unfortunately, I received your letter only recently, after the Council took place, and, well, I kind of sent Legolas on a perilous quest to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. My bad. Luckily, Aragorn and Gandalf are also part of the Fellowship; between the two of them I'm sure they'll keep your son out of trouble.  
The other members of the Fellowship of the Ring, as they are styling themselves, are:Gimli son of Gloin; Boromir of Gondor, the eldest son of the Steward; Frodo Baggins, a hobbit and the Ringbearer; Samwise Gamgee, his gardener; and Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck, two of his cousins - I can never tell them apart. They depart in two weeks' time.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
FOOL of a Peredhril!_

* * *

_What were you thinking sending my son - my only son, mind you - gallivanting across middle earth without so much as a by-you-leave? With Aragorn, no less? When the two of them are together, they are like a lightning rod for attracting trouble. I suppose Mithrandir will keep them in check. But a dwarf? I remember his father - I kept him locked in my dungeon for quite a while. I do not know of this Boromir character, but his father has always seemed rather unstable to me - far too interested in fire for my liking. And the only hobbit I have heard of is another Baggins, who was in league with the dwarves. They were very rude dwarves, gatecrashing my parties like that. Be sure and tell my son that if he insists on participating in such insanity, the least he could do is write to his father once in a while.  
Slightly less Cordially than usual,  
Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
We have just left Rivendell. Gandalf is insisting that we be careful, and so far me and Aragorn haven't run into a single orc camp or been captured by any Nasty Men or Evil Elves. It is getting quite boring. The dwarf is annoying. I miss my spoons.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

_**Dear Thranduil,  
I am writing with regards to your violation of my clients' catchphrase, "Fool of a (insert name here)". My client is willing to drop charges provided that you refrain from using said catchphrase ever again. As his lawyer, however, I am adding a second stipulation - namely, that you come to my saxophone recital in Southern Mirkwood next Tuesday.  
See you then (or in court),  
Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law**_

* * *

_Dear Martin,  
Due to pressing commitments elsewhere, I find myself unable to attend your recital. Instead, I am sending my court minstrel; perhaps he will be so kind as to read you some of his poetry.  
Cordially,  
Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

_**Dear Thranduil,  
I hate you.  
Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law**_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
If the rest of your journey is that boring, you should count yourself lucky. Forgive me for not writing sooner, but I have been embroiled in a legal battle with Gandalf. His lawyer is quite vicious.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_


	8. Silly Dwarves and Lindir's Hairbrush

**I don't own LOTR or the Vogon.**

* * *

_Dear Ada,_  
_Mortals are so silly. It took me quite a while to convince them that we really were seeing a flock of Crebain, and not a "wisp of cloud" , as that silly dwarf thought. Sadly we now have to take the Pass of Caradhras - you might remember me telling you about it. Last year, Aragorn and I got trapped there by an avalanche, and the year before that we were kidnapped there by Nasty Dwarves, and the year before that we were held hostage there by an Evil Elf who was trying to get revenge on Elrond by hurting Aragorn, and the year before that we went through the pass when we were being taken to Gondor by the Nasty Slavers._  
_So far nothing terrible has happened, except that Frodo tripped and almost lost his ring. He's so silly sometimes. Then Boromir picked it up, and was getting all tempted by it, but Aragorn made him give it back. Personally I think I should be the Ringbearer - gold works so much better with my hair than with Frodo's._  
_Your Loving Son,_  
_Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Celeborn,_  
_After you _so kindly_ gave me a battle steed all those years ago, I thought it was only fitting that I should repay you at long last. I am sending one of my finest minstrels to Lothlorien to recite his poetry to you._  
_Cordially,_  
_Thranduil, King of Mirkwood_

* * *

**Dear Thranduil,  
I hate you.  
Celeborn of Lothlorien**

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
Mortals are indeed silly, especially the dwarves. Be careful on the Pass of Caradhras - if I remember correctly, one of the Evil Elves had made some dark prophecy concerning all the terrible things that would happen to you if you ever returned, so be on your guard. Oh, and if Celeborn seems unusually angry at you (should you travel to Lothlorien), it is probably because I sent him a Vogon minstrel the other day.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
So far this quest has been rather boring. Legolas and I haven't got into trouble once, despite taking the most dangerous route possible. Enclosed with this letter is Lindir's hairbrush. I found it in my pack recently.  
Boromir tried to steal the One Ring yesterday, but I made him give it back. He is being rather gloomy and pessimistic, saying that the hobbits are all going to die just because Saruman caused a massive avalanche. What a wet blanket.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar


	9. Tag, You're It

**I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon.**

* * *

_Dear Ada,_  
_Don't worry about that silly prophecy, I've had hundreds of the things and they've never come true. Well, except for the one that said I would travel to Rivendell, bringing grave news. _  
_Right now we are camped outside an old dwarf mine while Gandalf tries to remember the password. Of course, it doesn't help that the doors are practically invisible. I don't know why Gimli is so proud of that. _  
_Oops, have to go, a scary tentacled monster just rose mysteriously out of the depths._  
_Your loving son,_  
_Legolas_  
_p.s. What on arda is a Vogon?_

* * *

**Dear Elrond,  
Tag, you're it. I'm sending you the Vogon.  
Cordially,  
Celeborn of Lothlorien**

* * *

Dear Celeborn,  
I hate you.  
Elrond, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
Thank you for returning Lindir's hairbrush. He was very happy to have it back. Speaking of hair, you left your shampoo in Rivendell - do you want me to try and mail it to you?  
Be careful in Moria, they say a great evil slumbers there.  
Cordially,  
Elrond, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
That wasn't a prophecy, it was my written instructions for your last trip to Rivendell. Do be careful with the scary tentacled monster - do you remember what happened the last time you went after one of those things?  
A Vogon is a vile creature that recites terrible poetry.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil _


	10. Shampoo-related injuries

**I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon.**

**animepercystyle: The second worst poetry in the universe is that of the Azgoths of Kria. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England, in the destruction of the planet Earth****_._**

**She Elf of Hidden Lore: cool name! Yes, Legolas is a spoon thief. *shakes head sadly***

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
Don't bother with the shampoo - I'll just steal some from Legolas.  
The quest is still boring. We're stuck in Moria now, after a scary tentacled monster tried to eat Frodo and caused a bit of a cave-in. Sadly, the hospitable Morian dwarves are all dead, and the place is inhabited solely by goblins. And I keep thinking I see a strange pair of eyes watching us, but it must be my imagination.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
Why would you send Celeborn a Vogon? Are you still angry with him about the moose? Because I thought you'd grown to love it.  
We're stuck underground in a dwarf mine. I don't like it. On the upside, the walls have mithril veins running through them. Mithril is even shinier than our spoons.  
Gollum has started following us. It is rather disturbing. As I write this, we are sitting at a crossroads in the mine because Gandalf has gotten lost again.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
On second thoughts, could you send my shampoo? And some healing herbs? I tried to steal some of Legolas' shampoo and he got very angry. I think my arm might be broken.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
You should really know better by now than to steal an elf's shampoo. I am sending yours and some bandages with this letter.  
I'm sorry to hear that the quest is so boring. I am sending my finest minstrel to recite poetry for you and your friends in Moria.  
All is well in Rivendell, apart from the fact that I have had to ban "Down by the Valley" from being sung anywhere, as much for Lindir's own health and safety as because it is so annoying. I don't know why I didn't think of banning it earlier.  
Cordially,  
Elrond, Lord of Rivendell.

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
I hate you.  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
I hate you.  
Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
I hate you.  
Gandalf_

* * *

**Dear Elrond,  
I hate you.  
Gimli**

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
I hate you.  
Boromir

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
We hate you.  
Frodo, _Sam, __**Pippin**_** & Merry**

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
The moose incident was embarrassing and you know it. I admit I have grown rather fond of the beast, though I still cannot fathom why you wanted to call it Rudolph.  
Mithril is indeed shiny, but it is also expensive, so I would recommend sticking to spoons.  
If Gollum is stalking you, I know an excellent (and vicious) lawyer who could help with taking out a restraining order. Or you could just shoot him.  
Gollum, not the lawyer.  
Forgive me, I must go, it is time to give Rudolph her foot massage. The vet I called in from Gondor says her ankle should be healed soon.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_


	11. Litigations, Nazgul Style

**I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon minstrel.**

* * *

**_Dear Smeagol,  
I am writing with regards to the restraining order my client, Mr Baggins, took out against you. I have evidence showing that you have not obeyed the terms of the restraining order and have in fact been stalking him. If you do not stop this behaviour at once I will be forced to take serious legal action against you.  
On another note, would you be interested in coming to my jazz saxophone recital on Saturday?  
Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law_**

* * *

Dear Martin,  
We is very sorry for stalking the Master of the Precious _(no we isn't)_. We do not want to go to jail_ (Jail? Never heard of a jail before, my precious)_ Shut up! This is my letter! MINE! MY OWN!_ (you don't have anyone to write to, precious) _I'm not listening! I'm not listening!  
We will stop following Master at once_ (no we won't)_. We'll be nice to lawyerses if they be nice to us._ (But we don't want to be nice, precious, no we doesn't) _Stop it!_ (What did you say?)_ Leave now and never come back!_ (what?)_ LEAVE - NOW - AND NEVER - COME BACK!_(...)_ We told him to go away, precious, and away he goes! Smeagol is free!And we would love to go to a saxophone recital. We loves jazz, yes we does.  
Smeagol _(Gollum)_

* * *

Dear Dad,  
The most _wonderful_ poet arrived yesterday. I am sending him to Minas Tirith so you can hear his _wonderful_ poetry.  
Your loving son,  
Boromir

* * *

Dear Boromir,  
I hate you.  
Denethor

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
Thanks for sending the bandages. It turns out my arm wasn't broken, just badly bruised. Legolas hit it with the handle of Gimli's axe.  
Gandalf died. He fell off a cliff (not fair, I had a bet with Legolas that I would be the first person to do that) while fighting a Balrog.  
The shampoo arrived fine as well, but for some reason the label is blank. Is that normal? I lent it to Frodo, he seems to like it.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
That is no ordinary shampoo. It is Rivendell Essences, made by Lindir, and has the power to make the user smell of apples and coconut. Keep it secret; keep it safe.  
Sorry to hear about Gandalf. He was a good sort.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

**_Dear Elrond,  
I have an official document proving that between the hours of 10:37 and 11:06 last night, you violated the copyright of my client's phrase, "keep it secret; keep it safe". My client is willing to drop charges providing you come to my saxophone recital on Saturday.  
See you then (or in court),  
Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law_**

* * *

Dear Martin,  
First of all, your client is dead. Secondly, I happen to know that Gandalf wouldn't give an orc's buttock about copyright infringements, so why don't you stick your official document where the sun don't shine and go _*the rest of this letter has been censored for public health and safety reasons*_  
Cordially,  
Elrond Peredhril

* * *

Dear Smeagol,  
I heard that you recently recovered from a bout of evilness and ring-addiction, so to celebrate I am sending you a minstrel to recite poetry for you.  
Cordially,  
Denethor, Ki- _Steward_ of Gondor

* * *

Dear Denethor,  
We hates you. We hates you!  
Smeagol _(and Gollum) _


	12. One Hair Product To Rule Them All

**I don't own LOTR, or the Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy. **  
**To anyone wondering how the Vogon was getting from one place to another so quickly, this chapter will provide an explanation, of sorts.**

**This chapter takes a VERY weird turn. Weirder than Legolas' spoon obsession. Weirder than a Nazgul lawyer. Weirder than Pass-The-Vogon. You have been warned.**

* * *

Dear Master of the Precious,  
We catches you a minstrel and we sends it to you by FedEx. It is young, it is tender, it is fresh!  
Smeagol

* * *

Dear Gollum,  
I hate you. So does the rest of the fellowship.  
Frodo

* * *

My dearest Arwen,  
Oh freddled gruntbuggly  
thy micturations are to me  
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.  
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.  
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,  
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!  
Love,  
Aragorn

* * *

_Dear Aragorn,  
Sweetie, did you fall off a cliff again? Did you hit your head? And why did you send that repulsive Vogon back to Rivendell? Daddy is very angry, and Lindir has had another nervous breakdown. He had taken to wearing an eyepatch and pirate hat, and drinking copious amounts of rum.  
Lots of love,  
Arwen_

* * *

Dearest Arwen,  
I have not fallen off a cliff yet - it is most upsetting. My last letter was a love poem that I wrote for you with help from the Vogon.  
We have reached Lothlorien, but Haldir is being really mean and not letting us in because apparently we bring great evil with us. I told him the Vogon wasn't with us anymore, but he still wouldn't budge. I'm currently arguing with him.  
Lots and lots of love,  
Aragorn

* * *

Dear Gloin,  
In memory of old times (remember the dragon incident?) I am sending you this minstrel to recite some of his finest poems to you.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

**Dear Elrond,  
I hate you.  
Gloin**

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
We have just been allowed into Lothlorien. Your mother-in-law has very strict bouncers. I think Gimli has a crush on her.  
You know that shampoo you sent me? Well, a weird thing happened to it. I lent it to Frodo, and I guess it must have been touching the One Ring in his pack or something, because writing has appeared on the label of the bottle that looks a lot like the writing on the Ring. It reads:  
_One hair product to rule them all  
One hair product to find them  
One hair product to bring them all  
And in the darkness, bind them._  
Do you have any idea what that means? Oh, and speaking of the One Ring, we kind of destroyed it. See, we put it over the fire, to compare the writing on the shampoo bottle to the writing on the Ring, but the Ring melted. Does this mean our quest is over?  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
I believe that the evil spirit of Sauron may have transferred itself from the Ring to the shampoo bottle, in which case your quest not over - you must destroy the shampoo instead. It is a shame that you melted the ring, because without the dark influence of Sauron, it would have made a nice piece of jewellery.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell


	13. Mordor Industries

**Ooh, we're on chapter 13 - my favourite number! also the number of dwarves in Thorin's company. Anyone else addicted to the Hobbit soundtrack?**

**I don't own LOTR.**

Dear Elrond,  
I was wondering – if the living embodiment of evil itself is now a bottle of shampoo, is it really necessary to travel all the way to Mordor to destroy it? I mean, we're in an Elven settlement; Frodo could just toss it up in air and wait for it to be torn apart by the Galadhrim.  
Speaking of elves, they won't stop singing. It's getting very annoying.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragron II Elessar

Dear Aragorn,  
The bottle of shampoo can only be destroyed where it was made, in Mount Doom. You would know this if you had been paying any attention at my Council, instead of having a staring competition with Legolas.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

oOo

_Somewhere in Lothlorein, Aragorn turns the One Hair Product over in his hands. On the bottom there is small writing which reads: "packaging: plastic. Not currently recycled. Made in Mount Doom for Mordor Industries"._

_oOo_

_Dear Ada,  
__We have just left Lothlorien. I have to share a boat with the silly dwarf, who has admittedly been less annoying of late. I think he fancies Galadriel.  
__Before we left, Galadriel gave us all gifts. I got a bow. It is shiny. Gimli asked for her hair, which was strange.  
__Another strange thing that happened was that when we left Lothlorien, an elleth came with us for no discernable reason. Her name is Mariel-Suvien. She is an excellent fighter and says she is leaving the Realm of the Lady of Light to escape her abusive and troubled past.  
__Your loving son,  
__Legolas_

Dear Frodo,  
Look Frodo, the Argonath! Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old, my kin…  
Cordially,  
Aragorn

Dear Aragorn,  
Why on arda did you just write me that note? We're travelling together, _in the same boat._ The same boat that is now rapidly sinking, because when you stopped sailing to write me a letter, it crashed into a rock.  
Cordially,  
Frodo

Dear Frodo,  
The enemy has spies everywhere. You never know who might be listening, or reading over your shoulder.  
Aragorn

Dear Aragorn,  
Is that why you ate my last note? Surely an innocent conversation about massive statues couldn't be of value to the Enemy.  
Frodo


	14. Ding Dong, the Mary-Sue is Dead!

**I don't own LOTR. **

_Dear Legolas,  
__Do NOT befriend Mariel! She is a Mary-Sue: a demon of the modern world. She will destroy the Fellowship from within and wreak havoc in this world, not to mention being generally annoying.  
__Your concerned father,  
__Thranduil_

**_Dear Thranduil,  
_****_I am writing with regards to your blatant plagiarism of my clients' line, "A Balrog – a demon of the ancient world". My client is unable to press charges due to being dead, but I will personally make your life a living hell if you don't buy my latest album, "The joys of Sax."  
_****_See you in hell,  
_****_Martin the Nazgul_**

_Dear Martin,  
__I will never buy your albums! Never! NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT!1!  
__Thranduil_

_Dear Ada,  
__How can you be so cruel? Mariel and I are in love. She is so beautiful – her urple eyes shine like moonlight, and her hair is like the tresses of a raven's wing. Her skin-_

Thranduil-  
Hello, it's Aragorn here. Forgive me, I have had to temporarily render your son unconscious while Boromir and I disposed of the Sue. It was remarkably easy – we simply threw her into the river, where she melted. Boromir seemed to take great pleasure in doing this. I'm not sure why.  
Oh dear, Legolas is waking up. GTG.  
Aragorn

_Dear Aragorn,  
__Truly, all of middle earth is in your debt for taking out the Sue. It is quite all right that you knocked my son out – he clearly wasn't himself. As for Boromir, he has more cause than most to hate Sues.  
__Thranduil_

Dear Elrond,  
Yesterday we were ambushed by orcs. They killed Boromir and kidnapped Pippin and Merry, and Frodo and Sam have left to go to Mordor alone. They stole my shampoo. Gimli, Legolas and I are chasing the orcs to get Pippin and Merry back.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn

_Dear Ada,  
__Mortals are so silly about dying. Boromir got shot by Uruks, and suddenly all Aragorn can talk about is revenge. Frodo and Sam left for Mordor, taking with them our entire supply of shampoo, which seemed rather unnecessary.  
__Your loving son,  
__Legolas_

_Dear Legolas,  
__Remember your diplomacy lessons? The correct response to death is _sadness_, not condescension.  
__Your loving father,  
__Thranduil_


	15. Elrond the Snarky

Dear Aragorn,  
Let me get this straight.  
You abandoned the Ringbearer, and let him go to Mordor alone. You let Frodo and Sam go to Mordor, _alone_. Why exactly did you go on this quest in the first place? Oh yes, it was to _guide Frodo to Mordor_. That worked out _brilliantly,_ didn't it? And _why_ did you abandon him? To chase after Pippin and Merry, who have probably already been killed horribly by orcs. And let's face it, the only reason they joined the Fellowship in the first place was to provide some comic relief.  
So, to recap: You let Frodo, the Ringbearer and most important member of the Fellowship, go to Mordor unaccompanied except for a gardener with a potato obsession. Instead, you have gone running after the two _least_ important members of the Fellowship.  
Sweet Eru, boy, what were you _thinking?  
_Elrond Half-Elven, Lord of Rivendell

Dear Elrond,  
It sounds a lot less noble and kingly when _you_ say it.  
Aragorn II Elessar

_Dear Ada,  
__We have just run into some more silly humans. These ones were led by Eomer of Rohan, who looked remarkably like an aardvark. He tried to kill Gimli, but I stopped him. He gave us horses and told us to go look at dead uruk-hai in case Pippin and Merry had somehow ended up there. We went and looked, at first it seemed like they had been killed, but then Aragorn found some rope. For some reason, this led him to believe that they were in Fangorn Forest, so now we have to go into a scary dark wood. The trees are angry.  
__Your loving son,  
__Legolas_

_Dear Legolas,  
__Take care among the trees of Fangorn, for that forest is old. Very old. Full of memory… and anger. Do _try_ to keep out of trouble in Rohan. I know it is hard for you.  
__Your loving father,  
__Thranduil_


	16. Gandalf has Hair Straighteners

**I don't own LOTR, or the Vogon.**

**Snarky Elrond seemed to be popular - I'll have to let him come back.**

**Elrond: Oh, you'll _let_ me come back, will you? How _kind_ of you. I can really ****think of _nothing_ I would rather be doing than sending inane letters to random people in middle earth. **

Dear Elrond,  
Gandalf isn't dead. He just wanted to make a big entrance to show off his new clothes. Drama queen. He said he'd seen Pippin and Merry, and sent them off with a talking tree, or something. I am beginning to fear for his sanity. He led us out of Fangorn, summoned a horse that looked like something out of a Persil advert, and now he's taking us to Edoras.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

_Dear Ada,  
__Thanks for that last letter; it gave me inspiration for a speech to scare Gimli with.  
__Gandalf turned up again. Apparently he wasn't dead, just having a nice chat with a Balrog or something. I wasn't really paying attention. What does seem unfair is that he got shiny new clothes, _and_ hair straighteners.  
__He dragged us off to Edoras – still not sure why. The nasty men there took our weapons, and then were allowed in to see the King – who was frankly gross. Honestly, haven't these people heard of skin cream?  
__The king's advisor was a rather disturbing man who looked a bit like a crow. He made all the guards attack us when he saw that Gandalf still had his staff. Luckily, they didn't put up much of a fight, and Gandalf somehow made Theoden (the king) age backwards by about fifty years. It was all very strange. People are weird.  
__Your loving son,  
__Legolas_

**Dear Theoden,  
****Sorry to hear about the death of your son. In consolation, I am sending you a minstrel to recite poetry for you.  
****Gloin**

Dear Gloin,  
I hate you.  
Theoden  
P.S. What do you mean, my son is dead!?

_Dear Legolas,  
__In all fairness, Gandalf _is_ a Maiar, and therefore entitled to all the hair products he wants.  
__Do be careful in Edoras. I cannot stress this enough. If you die out there, so far from home, I really could not be bothered to go all the way out there to collect your body.  
__Your loving father,  
__Thranduil_

_Dear Ada,  
__Thanks a lot.  
__Legolas_

**Ah, Thranduil. Such a loving father…**


	17. Near-death Experiences

Dear Aragorn,  
Do _try _not to offend anyone in Rohan, especially the king. I know you're the deposed heir to the throne of Gondor, but that doesn't mean you get to be in charge of other kingdoms.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Half-elven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
Um, about that… I may have yelled at Théoden a little bit. But he _was_ being obstinate and stupid. Now we all have to go hid under a big old mountain just 'cause he doesn't want to risk open war.  
I must go; Legolas just killed a scout.  
A Warg scout, not a girl scout – that thing with the cookies was just a one-off.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
__It's so unfair – Aragorn fell off a cliff. That means I'm the only member of the Fellowship who hasn't had a near-death experience yet.  
__Well, apart from Gimli, but he doesn't really count.  
__And Boromir, who actually did die.  
__Anyway, now we're in a place called Helm's Deep. It's basically a glorified cave, but Gimli got very annoyed when I pointed this out. I miss the forest, with the trees and the flowers and the birds and the spoons.  
__I have to go, we're preparing for a battle with Saruman's orcs.  
__Your loving son,  
__Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
__It's a shame about Aragorn, but he's probably fine. If I had a dollar for every time you two have fallen off cliffs, I'd have a large sack of currency that cannot actually be used in middle earth. And I have told you before not to insult caves when dwarves are in earshot. I am sure that Théoden has spoons.  
__Be careful during battle – you left your lucky arrows in the palace, by the way.  
__Your loving father,  
__Thranduil_

* * *

Dear Gandalf,  
I hope the search for my nephew is going well. To help, I am sending you a minstrel to recite poetry for you.  
Cordially,  
Théoden King

* * *

Dear Théoden,  
I hate you.  
Gandalf  
p.s. I found your nephew and his friends.

* * *

Dear Uncle,  
I hate you.  
Eomer

* * *

Dear Théoden King,  
We hate you.  
The Rohirrim


	18. A New Evil

**The letter from the Vogon was inspired by animepercystyle.**

**Wow, this fic was published less than a month ago and it has 90 reviews. You guys are amazing! As a way of saying thank you, I am sending you all internet fudge. And minstrels to recite poetry in your honour…. *laughs evilly***

* * *

Dear Middle Earth,  
I am writing this to protest my unjust treatment since arriving here. I have been shunned, stoned, attacked by guard spiders and generally insulted. My limbs have become cramped from being constantly stuffed into FedEx boxes. Why do you abuse me so? My poetry truly isn't that bad.  
Are you prejudiced against me because of my appearance? This seems rather unfair when the peoples of this world are midgets, filthy, big-footed and girly, respectively. I am definitely giving middle earth one star in my review for the latest edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  
Oh yes, with such a low rating, intergalactic tourism will drop to virtually nothing. Then you'll be sorry! MWAHAHAHA! _Only three more days till I get out of this box. Only three more days till I get out of this box. Only three more days till I get out of this box...  
_Sincerely,  
The Vogon

* * *

**_Dear Vogon,  
_****_I know how you feel. I cannot get a single job as a saxophonist, simply because of my appearance.  
_****_Well, that and the fact that I'm an evil, twisted wraith who works for the Dark Lord.  
_****_Anyway, I have an idea. How about we form a travelling musician band? You can recite your poems, I can play the saxophone, and I know an orcs who is an excellent drummer. Perhaps you've heard his single, "drums in the Deep"?  
_****_Anyway, get to back to me ASAP so I can buy band t-shirts.  
_****_Martin the Nazgul_**

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
I am writing to discuss the new evil that is stalking the land. Not three days ago a most dreadful host invaded my land: three travelling musicians. One is the Vogon (Mandos take him!), another is a Nazgul saxophonist, and the third is an orc drummer. My sons managed to chase them away, but I fear they may head to Mirkwood so am warning you in advance. In addition, I feel it may be necessary to call a White Council to discuss this new devilry.  
Oh wait, you're not _in _the White Council. My bad.  
Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Rivendell, one of the Wise

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
__Yeah, yeah, rub it in why don't you. Just because _some_ of us have better things to do than sit about on balconies playing with jewellery.  
__The terrible trio did indeed come to Mirkwood, but they never left. My warriors captured them and are standing guard over them in the deepest of my dungeons.  
__I would just like to point out that _my_ people, not yours, managed to capture and hold both Gollum and the musicians.  
__Thranduil, Sass-King of Moose and Party_

* * *

**BURN! **


	19. Revenge is a dish best served musically

Dear Thranduil,  
Yes, you captured Gollum and kept him in your deepest dungeon, the one from which no living being could escape. We all know how well _that_ worked out, don't we? It was like the dwarves all over again. At least _they_ weren't heading straight to Mordor to give Sauron information about the One Ring.  
But if you _do_ manage to keep the Trio under guard, then all of middle earth will be in your debt, and I owe you a heartfelt apology.

Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Imladris

* * *

_Dear Elrond,  
How do I say this? The Trio have escaped. I suppose it is my fault really; I should have specified to the builders of my jail that prison cells shouldn't have escape tunnels. It is entirely possible that they may find themselves back at Rivendell – not, you must understand, because I sent them on that path. And I most certainly did _not_ equip them with travelling supplies and a map. Definitely not.  
Thranduil, Elvenking of Mirkwood_

* * *

Dear Thranduil,  
I hate you.  
Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Imladris

* * *

Dear Treebeard,  
How are things in Fangorn nowadays? I am sending you a wonderful musician trio to liven things up a bit.  
Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Imladris

* * *

**Dear Elrond,  
Curse you, Elrond! Curse you, root and branch!  
Treebeard**

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
The battle for Helm's Deep is over. We won. Aragorn showed up just before the fighting began, but we had a bit of an argument over whether or not the men were going to die.  
I must go, according to Gandalf, the battle for middle earth is about to begin.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
I fell off a cliff! A big one, too. And there was a river at the bottom. In fact, the only reason I survived was because of a friendly horse that came along and carried me back to Helm's Deep. I got back just in time for the massive battle against the forces of Isengard. We won, even though Legolas was so pessimistic.  
Oh, and thanks for sending the elven archers. Haldir died, by the way.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar


	20. The Case of The Elven Archers

**And this story now has over 100 reviews! More internet fudge for everyone, as well as a special ceremonial spoon- *Legolas runs in, steals box of ceremonial spoons and runs out* - um, okay, no spoons…**

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
What are you talking about? I didn't send any elven archers. Galadriel must have. She won't be happy – Haldir was her best Marchwarden.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Rivendell

* * *

Dear Galadriel,  
Thank you for sending your elven archers to Helm's Deep. Without their courage and bravery, we never could have overcome the orcs.  
Oh, and Haldir died.  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Aragorn,  
__I did not send any elven archers to Helm's Deep. Did you fall off another cliff and hit your head again?  
__Galadriel, the Lady of Light_

* * *

Dear Galadriel,  
I may have fallen off a cliff, but I didn't hallucinate the elven archers. They were led by Haldir, and since Elrond didn't send them, I thought you must have.  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Aragorn,  
__I am quite certain that I never gave my archers orders to march to Helm's Deep.  
__Galadriel_

* * *

___Dear Ada,  
__We have just reached Orthanc, where Saruman is being held hostage by giant trees. However, he is not alone in the dark tower. A musical trio consisting of a Nazgul, and orc and that thrice-blasted Vogon has joined him. The Nazgul plays saxophone, the orc is the drummer and the Vogon claims to be singing. Anyway, Saruman has joined their band as bass guitarist – apparently he's into metal now.  
__Fortunately Grima Wormtongue, tired of being their groupie, stabbed Saruman in the back. Then I shot Grima. We left the Nazgul, Orc and Vogon in Orthanc, because for some reason the Ents have grown to love their music.  
__Your loving son,  
__Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
__I am glad to hear that the Trio has finally settled down somewhere. I am also glad to hear that Saruman is dead. If he had joined forces with the Trio, the horrors they could inflict on middle earth would be unimaginable.  
__Your loving father,  
__Thranduil_

* * *

**Ooh, a mystery! Who sent the elven archers? A hypothetical cookie to anyone who knows! Disclaimer-hypothetical-cookies-are-not-edible-con sumption-of-hypothetical-cookies-may-lead-to-indig estion-hallucinations-and-death.**


	21. the Big Haunted Mountain

**The authoress said, let there be cover art! And lo, there was cover art, and it was… covering… and… artistic… yeah.**

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
Galadriel says she didn't send the elven archers. Oh, and I think Eowyn is hitting on me.  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
Arwen says that she is more than happy to ride out to Rohan armed with a frying pan, but I stopped her.  
Perhaps Thranduil sent them?  
Cordially,  
Elrond Peredhril

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
Thank you for sending your elven archers to Helm's Deep. They were very helpful.  
Pippin and Gandalf have just left for Minas Tirith, after Pippin stupidly tried to steal the Palantir. Gimli insisted that we play some sort of drinking game, which he then lost.  
Your loving son,_

_Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
I did not send my army to Helm's Deep.  
It is unsurprising that you drank Gimli under the table; dwarves are notorious lightweights.  
All is well in Mirkwood, except that the spiders have broken in again. Quite a lot of them, this time.  
Forgive me, I must go. There really are a _lot_ of spiders…  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

Dear Aragorn,

The beacons! The beacons of Minas Tirith are lit! Gondor calls for aid!  
Gandalf

* * *

Dear Gandalf,

And luckily for you, Rohan will answer. We're riding out shortly with the Rohirrim.

Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

Dear Théoden King,

Where exactly are your Rohirrim camped? I'm planning on making a surprise visit to scare my foster son.  
Oh, and give him the reforged sword of Elendil, seeing as it's his rightful inheritance and all that jazz.

Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Imladris

* * *

Dear Elrond,

We are camped just outside that big haunted mountain. You know, the one where the Army of the Dead live?  
Théoden King

* * *

_Dear Ada,_

_I have just agreed to go with Aragorn into a big haunted mountain – you know, the one where the Army of the Dead live. In retrospect, this may have been a bad idea. The horses are restless._

_Your loving son, _

_Legolas_


	22. Housekeeping Instructions

**Okay, a clue as to who sent the elven archers: It ****_wasn't Tolkien_****.**

* * *

_Dear Legolas,_

_ It is at times like this that I wish I had other children, because it is looking more and more likely that you will not survive this war. Do you think your second cousin Fred would make a good king?  
Your loving father, Thranduil_

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
Who on arda is Fred? Have you been watching Harry Potter again?  
The big haunted mountain wasn't actually that bad. Gimli was scared of it. There was a massive pile of skulls, as well as an army of ghosts that Aragorn convinced to fight for him. I am writing this on the ship that we commandeered with the help of the ghosts.  
Your loving son, Legolas_

* * *

Dear Eowyn,  
I am enclosing a list of housekeeping instructions and general advice for when you get back to the golden hall of Edoras.  
1) Never employ anyone with a name like Wormtongue.  
2) Ensure that the Mearas are only fed on liquid gold and clover – it's what makes them run so fast.  
3) Try to find a good husband – maybe one of the Gondorians?  
4) If you ever run out of washing powder, order more in from Rivendell, _not_ the dwarves – their prices are much too high.  
5) Do not, under any circumstances, ride out to battle. War is the province of men.

Your loving uncle,  
Théoden

* * *

Dear Théoden,  
Of course, I have every intention of returning to Edoras. I certainly wasn't planning on disobeying you and riding into battle.  
Oh, and I found a rider who was willing to take Merry with him. His name is Dernhelm.  
Your loving niece,  
Eowyn

* * *

Dear Pippin,  
Thank you for saving my life. It is a shame that my father is dead, but I suppose it would please him to know that he died in such a memorable manner – he always was a drama queen.  
Faramir

* * *

**Dear Legolas,  
That still only counts as one!  
Gimli**

* * *

_Dear Gimli,  
What about the fifteen men I killed that were _on top of_ the Mumak?  
Legolas_

* * *

Dear Legolas and Gimli,  
There is a time and place for note-passing, and it is not in the middle of a battle.  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

**Dear Aragorn,  
Sorry.  
Gimli**

* * *

_Dear Aragorn,  
I apologize for nothing. It was all the dwarf's fault.  
Legolas_


	23. War is the Province of Men

**64-million-dollar question: Who sent the elven archers?  
64-million-dollar answer: It was Peter Jackson!**

* * *

**_Dear Eowyn,_**

**_ Hello. My name is Martin the Nazgul. You killed my brother; prepare to die!_**

**_Martin the Nazgul, Attorney at Law_**

* * *

Dear Eowyn,  
I _told _you war was the province of men, but you just wouldn't listen. Hopefully this letter will reach you by the time you have regained consciousness.

Your loving brother,  
Eomer

* * *

Dear Eomer,  
I _did _kill the witch-king of Angmar.  
Eowyn

* * *

Dear Eowyn,

Oh, la-di-da. We can't _all_ be in right place at right time when a hobbit stabs a wraith in the leg, thus making him mortal.

Eomer

* * *

Dear Eomer,

Good luck on your hopeless last stand against Mordor. You will all be in my thoughts, when I'm not flirting with Faramir.

Eowyn

* * *

_Dear Ada,_

_We have just left Minas Tirith to fight a last stand against Mordor. Something about drawing the eye of the Enemy away from Frodo – basically, a diversion. _

_Maybe you should track down this "Fred" and make him you heir – it is looking more and more unlikely that I will return home._

_Your loving son,_

_Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,_

_What have I told you about dying in foreign places? The least you could do is drag yourself home to die so I don't have to go find your body._

_ Fred says he is quite willing to be the next king of Mirkwood, but first he has to go fight in a battle at some place called Hogwarts._

_Your loving father,_

_Thranduil_

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
We won. Frodo destroyed the Shampoo, and I battled a troll. Mount Doom collapsed, but Gandalf flew out on an eagle and saved Frodo and Sam.  
My coronation should be in a few weeks, when Frodo decides to stop pretending to be asleep. Will you be coming over for it?  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
Good news! I survived the battle, and Frodo destroyed the Shampoo, so everything's fine now. You can tell Fred he doesn't have to be king anymore.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_


	24. Friend or Foe?

_Dear Legolas,_

_It is wonderful that you survived. On another note, would you mind sharing your room with Fred when you return home? He is refusing to leave, and when my guards attempted to forcibly remove him, he waved a stick at them, shouted something in a strange tongue and they all sprouted feelers.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

Dear Aragorn,  
Of course I will come for your coronation. I will take with me some elves to carry pennants. I hope this is all right.  
Cordially,  
Elrond Halfelven, Lord of Imladris

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
This Fred sounds like a rather unstable character. Have you tried setting the spiders on him?  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
The spiders have all gone. Possibly Fred is behind this, or possibly it is something to do with the fact that evil has been cleansed from the earth.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

Dear Elrond,  
Pennant-bearers will be fine. I can put them up in the parts of Minas Tirith that haven't been destroyed.  
The coronation date has been moved forward a week, because Frodo is still pretending to be asleep.  
Your loving adopted son,  
Aragorn II Elessar

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
Please return home ASAP. Fred has summoned an army of angry red-headed people, not to mention a worryingly clever girl, a boy with a scar, a very shabbily dressed man and a woman with hair that changes colour. All of them seem to be armed with sticks.  
They currently are not showing signs of open hostility, but have made themselves at home in a large area of the castle and are talking in a strange dialect of the Common Tongue.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

_Dear Ada,  
I must remain in Gondor until Aragorn's coronation. Unfortunately this cannot take place until Frodo stops pretending to be asleep. Gandalf is currently laughing very loudly in the hopes of making him wake up.  
Perhaps these strangers from distant lands are in fact _friends_, and not an army. You should really learn to be more trusting.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

**As requested by Gwen Eruanna, all reviewers for this chapter will get a hug from Gimli. Or any other dwarf of their choice *steps back as fangirls stampede Fili and Kili***


	25. Last Farewell to Middle Earth

_Dear Ada,  
I will be home shortly. Frodo finally decided to wake up after Merry and Pippin used his bed as a trampoline, so Aragorn has been coronated*. I should be back in a few weeks.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

_Dear Legolas,  
Things are growing rather strange here in Mirkwood. For one thing, two of the red-headed boys are running wild, and keep setting off fireworks everywhere. Rudolph has become most upset. The rest of the invaders have taken over a large area of the palace. I sent in some of the army to bodily remove the invaders, but they were again attacked by the sticks.  
In addition to all this, the Trio seem to have broken out of Orthanc and are back in Mirkwood. Upon seeing the Nazgul, the boy with the scar summoned a great silver stag, which attacked the Nazgul and then began roaming the corridors. No-one seems to be able to get rid of it.  
Forgive me; I must go. I just heard another explosion.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

_ Dear Ada,  
On second thoughts, I will in fact be staying in Gondor for a few more months until Aragorn and Arwen's wedding.  
Your loving son,  
Legolas_

* * *

_ Dear Legolas,  
Well, both the invaders and the Trio have gone. They managed to kill each other off in an epic rap battle yesterday. Sadly, the two red-headed demon boys appear to have bequeathed their entire supply of fireworks to the servants, so things are still a little upset here.  
I must go; I think your room just caught fire.  
Your loving father,  
Thranduil_

* * *

_ Four Years Later_

* * *

Dear Middle Earth,  
The power of the Three Rings is ended. Therefore myself, Mithrandir, Galadriel and Celeborn are all sailing over the sea to Valinor. Frodo and Bilbo are coming with us, too.  
Oh dear. That was supposed to be a secret.  
Anyway, this is my last farewell to Middle Earth and all my dear friends who live there. And Thranduil. Goodbye, all of you.  
And, Elladan, Elrohir, if you break that antique vase from Beleriand that lives in my study in Rivendell, _I will know_. Even if I am hundreds of miles over the sea, _I will know.  
_Cordially,  
Elrond Halfelven.  
P.S. All the postmen appear to be leaving middle earth as well, so I do hope that this letter reaches you all in time.

* * *

_ *_My spellchecker doesn't think "coronated" is a word, but ah well. It also thought "spellchecker" wasn't a word, sooo…


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